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What Is Abuse? Regarding the Steven Crowder Video

With the latest revelation of Steven Crowder’s improper behaviour towards his almost ex-wife shown in the article linked in the tweet below, it’s very clear that a considerable portion of people (at least on the internet) are poor at comprehending what abuse is. I’ve transcribed the video into text using openai-whisper and attached it at the bottom for your reference as the website linked is very bloated.

What disheartens me the most is that some of the users who are refusing to condemn this behaviour towards a spouse label themselves proudly as Christian. I used to call myself a Christian but one of the reasons I left Christianity is the refusal of the community, priests, bishops, and pope to explicitly classify what is wrong and the blatant hypocrisy when it comes to practical real life instances of injustice when actions aren’t barred by the law.

So let me clarify what abuse is and what emotional abuse is. One definition of abuse is

speak in an insulting and offensive way to or about (someone). “the referee was abused by players from both teams”

Being abusive in this context isn’t exactly correct because a hockey player being abusive towards a referee when losing does not exactly make the hockey player evil. So we have to use a more stricter definition that gives weight to “emotional.”

The best way to define “emotional abuse” is to use the definition given by the National Domestic Violence Hotline

“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”

The NDVH’s first example is an example that doesn’t even show narcissism or victim blaming. Crowder told his pregnant wife to not take the car because he might need to go to the gym. He instead told her to get an Uber and considered her calling a friend to pick her up a threat. It would only be considered a threat to someone with a guilty consciousness. In what world is “okay, I’ll call my friend to pick me up” a threat? Only in the real world where you are entitled to a car over your pregnant wife and want her to take an uber but are not okay taking an Uber yourself. The entitlement itself makes Crowder a bad person, but his dictation to not take the car plus the “threat” comment makes this emotional abuse. “You’re going against me? How could you” is a classic playbook.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you.

The biggest red flag is that Crowder, who earns more money in one month than my parents do in one year and earns more in one year than our family is worth, has one car whereas my family has two cars. The cheapness argument cannot be used since there’s a literal pool in the backyard. Some people might give the situation the benefit of the doubt that the second car was in the shop, but then two partners should be accommodating instead of saying “feeling some constraints” in the tone a 6 year old uses. He says that he “can’t go to the gym” but then says he “can’t be at home,” which at first it may allude to the wife controlling him, but the last comment just means that it’s a figure of speech not literal.

He asserts that his wife is not doing wifely things, and ignoring that gender roles don’t exactly exist, his idea of wifely things is a pregnant woman carrying wooden pallets and a grill?? Hello? My parents get groceries together every week or two. They only go alone if there’s something missing that they themselves need or if the person who is busy can’t get themselves. It is absolutely absurd to assume your spouse can read your mind and go to the grocery store to get it for you. Even when his wife says that she will get the things he needs, he says “It doesn’t work either,” so clearly the issue is that he just doesn’t want her to take the car and come back at an unknown time.

Another comment that stuck out is “Do you understand the difference between my life being set to the second and you’re going to be back when your back” as if his wife is the one telling Crowder what to do but his later comment especially

“Walk the dogs and put on some gloves” to show her commitment to him. I don’t know about everyone else, but I don’t tell people to do things for me that I can do myself. I usually say “Could you do this for me” and I definitely wouldn’t ask my pregnant wife to walk the dogs and put some gloves on (in reference to her concern that touching the medication is toxic to pregnant women).

Anyways, the video was harder to watch a second time since it goes against everything my parents taught me about ethics and I’m pretty much done trying to convince people that Steven Crowder is completely in the wrong here regardless of if his wife was being controlling outside of the video (p.s. he wasn’t at the hospital when she gave birth).


This isn’t exactly what was said, but it’s useful as a guideline to watch the speech I referenced.

[00:00.000 --> 00:06.000]  Because I drew a boundary. I drew a boundary. No, no, you just did it. You just did it.
[00:06.000 --> 00:10.000]  I drew a boundary in abuse of control. You were not taking the car.
[00:10.000 --> 00:16.000]  Because if you refuse to do rightful things, then I will go pick up the grocery.
[00:18.000 --> 00:23.000]  Steaks, wood pellets, my grill. I know it's not a reasonable workbook.
[00:23.000 --> 00:27.000]  But I'll go do it. How about a huge purse?
[00:27.000 --> 00:29.000]  How do you respond to that?
[00:29.000 --> 00:32.000]  Other than that, I'm the man.
[00:32.000 --> 00:38.000]  I don't know. Other than that, I'm the man.
[00:38.000 --> 00:40.000]  No, you're not taking the car.
[00:40.000 --> 00:42.000]  You're not taking the car.
[00:42.000 --> 00:44.000]  Then I will ask them to pick up the car.
[00:44.000 --> 00:46.000]  What would you like them to ask?
[00:46.000 --> 00:47.000]  Oh, that's right.
[00:47.000 --> 00:49.000]  Give it an Uber.
[00:49.000 --> 00:52.000]  Okay, Stephen, I can't.
[00:52.000 --> 00:54.000]  Feeling some constraints?
[00:54.000 --> 00:56.000]  Stephen, I can't see them.
[00:56.000 --> 00:59.000]  Listen to me. You want to walk out right now? Listen to me.
[00:59.000 --> 01:02.000]  I can't go to the gym. I can't go to my parents. I can't call my friends.
[01:02.000 --> 01:05.000]  I can't go. I can't be home. You're going to take the car and leave me here.
[01:05.000 --> 01:07.000]  Hillary, just think of how boxed in you've made me.
[01:07.000 --> 01:10.000]  What do you need me to pick up? I'll get it. I'll be back when I'm back.
[01:10.000 --> 01:13.000]  No, that doesn't work either or you'll be back when you're back.
[01:13.000 --> 01:15.000]  It doesn't work either.
[01:15.000 --> 01:20.000]  Do you understand the difference between my life being set to the setting and you're going to be back when I'm back?
[01:20.000 --> 01:22.000]  Stephen.
[01:25.000 --> 01:28.000]  The only way out of this is disciplinary stuff.
[01:28.000 --> 01:30.000]  It's the only way out of this when we're at an impact.
[01:30.000 --> 01:32.000]  You're going to be back.
[01:32.000 --> 01:34.000]  Good. Because you can't have any disciplinary stuff.
[01:34.000 --> 01:36.000]  There you go.
[01:36.000 --> 01:38.000]  You throw your hand. You give up so easily.
[01:38.000 --> 01:39.000]  I don't give up so easily.
[01:39.000 --> 01:40.000]  You give up so easily?
[01:40.000 --> 01:42.000]  I just said the only way out of this is disciplinary stuff.
[01:42.000 --> 01:44.000]  You said then we're at an impact.
[01:44.000 --> 01:46.000]  No, we are at an impact.
[01:46.000 --> 01:48.000]  I love you, but Stephen.
[01:48.000 --> 01:50.000]  Your piece is sick.
[01:50.000 --> 01:52.000]  Your piece is sick.
[01:52.000 --> 01:54.000]  Watch it.
[01:54.000 --> 01:56.000]  Fucking watch it.
[01:56.000 --> 01:58.000]  I'm going to let go.
[01:58.000 --> 02:00.000]  I'll get what you need me to get.
[02:00.000 --> 02:02.000]  And I need some space.
[02:02.000 --> 02:04.000]  You need to just talk to me a little bit.
[02:04.000 --> 02:06.000]  I love you.
[02:06.000 --> 02:08.000]  I love you very much.
[02:08.000 --> 02:10.000]  I don't love you. That's the big problem.
[02:10.000 --> 02:12.000]  I've never received love from you.
[02:12.000 --> 02:14.000]  And the fact is when I go, look, I need an A, B, C, and D.
[02:14.000 --> 02:16.000]  You just be disciplined about it.
[02:16.000 --> 02:18.000]  But I love you more than life itself.
[02:18.000 --> 02:20.000]  Okay, put on some gloves.
[02:20.000 --> 02:22.000]  No, but I love you more than life itself.
[02:22.000 --> 02:24.000]  That's not fair. That's not fair. And it's disingenuous.
[02:24.000 --> 02:26.000]  Hillary, you're right.
[02:26.000 --> 02:28.000]  Right in the ass.
[02:28.000 --> 02:30.000]  Become someone who's needed.
[02:30.000 --> 02:32.000]  Day in and day out.
[02:32.000 --> 02:34.000]  Worthy of a life.
[02:34.000 --> 02:36.000]  No, not of the life.
[02:36.000 --> 02:38.000]  Hillary, come on now.
[02:38.000 --> 02:40.000]  I'm not going to engage. I'm not going to engage anymore.
[02:40.000 --> 02:42.000]  I'm going to go. I'll get what you need.
[02:42.000 --> 02:44.000]  I'll get what you need.
[02:44.000 --> 02:46.000]  I love you.
[02:46.000 --> 02:48.000]  I commit it to you.
[02:48.000 --> 02:50.000]  I love you.
[02:50.000 --> 02:52.000]  I commit it to you.
[02:52.000 --> 02:54.000]  Fuck that.
[02:54.000 --> 02:56.000]  That's the gloves.
[02:56.000 --> 02:58.000]  Are you committed enough to do these things?
[02:58.000 --> 03:00.000]  Are you committed enough to do those things?
[03:00.000 --> 03:02.000]  You're not committed to anything.
[03:02.000 --> 03:04.000]  You're not committed to anything.
[03:04.000 --> 03:05.920]  You just said I love you.
[03:05.920 --> 03:08.000]  Walk the dogs front and closed.
[03:08.000 --> 03:10.000]  Walk the dog front and closed.
[03:10.000 --> 03:12.000]  Are you committed enough to do those things?
[03:12.000 --> 03:14.000]  Are you committed enough to do those things?
[03:14.000 --> 03:16.000]  I'm committed.
[03:16.000 --> 03:18.000]  Walk the dogs front and closed.
[03:18.000 --> 03:20.000]  Are you committed enough to do the medication?
[03:20.000 --> 03:22.000]  Walk the dog front and closed.
[03:22.000 --> 03:24.000]  Take care.